IN FOCUS
Confidence Without Competence Is Just Noise
Can we please retire the absolute worst piece of dating advice ever invented?
"Fake it ’til you make it."
I see men doing this constantly. You walk into a room, chest puffed out, voice dropped an octave deeper. You think you’re fooling everyone.
Spoiler Alert: You aren’t.
A woman of substance has excellent intuition. We can feel the difference between a man who is solid and a man who is just acting solid.
It’s like selling a luxury car that looks incredible on the outside but has a lawnmower engine under the hood. You might sell the hype for a month. But eventually, someone tries to drive it on the highway, and the whole thing shakes apart.
The dating market works the exact same way.
The "Jay" Paradox
When I was living and dating in New York, I met a guy named Jay.
Let’s be real: On paper, Jay was perfect.
He was insanely attractive, knew all the right people, and walked into every room like he owned the building. He had the look and exactly what every pickup artist tells you to have: Unshakable Confidence.
But the more time I spent with him, the less attracted I became.
Jay was so obsessed with maintaining his image, so busy starring in his own movie, that he completely missed me. He was a performance, not a partner.
He had the swagger, but he didn't have the substance to back it up.
He was loud, but he wasn't capable. I didn't leave because he wasn't confident. I left because I realized his confidence was just good marketing for a bad product.
The Real Definition (Write This Down)
We need to fix your definition of attraction.
When a woman says she wants "Confidence," she’s just looking at the surface. What she is actually scanning for is the foundation: Competence.
She is running a silent gut check: If the world catches on fire right now, can this man handle it?
The Bluff (The Jay): This is the guy who acts tough when the waiter messes up the order because his ego is fragile. He’s all noise.
The Asset (The Sovereign Man): This is the man who stays calm when the pressure spikes because he knows he can fix it. He doesn't need to "act." He’s all signal.
We don't want a show. We want Certainty.
Stop Faking the Funk
You cannot "fix" this with better posture or a deeper voice.
If you feel insecure in social settings, it isn't because you need a better mindset trick. It’s because deep down, you know you are unprepared. Your anxiety is an internal alarm.
If you feel like an imposter in your career, no amount of "manifesting" will fix it. Mastering a high-value skill will.
If you feel physically small, no amount of "taking up space" will make you imposing. Lifting heavy iron will.
Confidence isn't a mood. It’s the evidence of your past performance.
It’s the quiet knowledge that you have faced dragons before and won. When you have the receipts to prove your competence, you don't need to try to be confident. You simply are.
Your Tiny, Actionable Step for the Week: Stop performing. Start building.
I want you to be brutally honest: Where are you faking it?
Where do you feel like you’re scrambling to "prove" yourself? Is it when she asks about your career? Is it when you walk into a high-stakes room?
Trace that insecurity back to the missing skill.
Do you freeze up in conversation? You don't need a "pickup line." You need social reps.
Do you feel physically small? You don't need a posture trick. You need to get in the gym.
The Fix: Pick one area where you feel like a fraud, and do one thing this week to actually build the capability.
Don't be a Jay. Build the asset so you never have to fake the advertisement. 😉
Stay Magnetic (and have a fantastic week!),
~ Angela Seitz
